A difference between boys and girls...

A difference between boys and girls... less judgement (self or otherwise)...

I noticed this the other night - not directly but more as a feeling.  We were in the midst of a crossfit WOD that had us doing few reps of high weights - split jerks to be specific - a workout I'd done before.  A workout previously done on a Friday morning sharing the bar and the weight with a few other girls.  On Wednesday, it was me, alone on a bar - weight set only by me - timing by me.   Surrounding me were two other boys doing the same and our coach Tim, another boy.  Me and three boys.  That was all.  There was no one else in the box and I found that calming.  More secure.  Less self conscious.  Self-judging.

I wasn't sure why but I'd hesitated that first day in doing the movement - perhaps it was my lack of confidence in the move with it being new to me - perhaps it was my fear of failure, of not getting a rep at the higher weight, fear of dropping the bar, unsuccessful - perhaps it was just the lack of spectators this time, just me, my focus, my preparation, only me - I can't nail it down specifically but I wasn't afraid to fail anymore.  I wasn't afraid to drop the bar.  I wasn't afraid to go beyond what I had ever done.  I wasn't afraid.

When reflecting on this afterwards a lot of it my previous hesitation had to do with me.  All me.  I get that - my inbred fears, insecurities.  But this time - there was a shift - I think it was all the testosterone surrounding me.  Feeding me.  Big guys lifting weights probably twice mine - but knowing they'd go beyond their limits, knowing they would make noises, grunting and funny faces, dropping the bar if necessary.  Knowing all this pushed me out of my comfort zone. Suddenly I was "one of the boys" and no one cared.  When I picked up the bar, steadied myself and then put it right back on the rack - no judgement, no big deal.  In fact Dom could relate - understood completely that I had to fix my mental focus first.  He got it.  Did it too.

It was an interesting shift that evening, it was quiet and understated and allowed me to achieve a new PR.  It wasn't a pretty achievement, it was messy, ugly, unsteady - I almost dropped the bar BUT I did it. I did it - in an environment that made me feel safe, made me challenge myself. Made me better.  Stronger.  I did it!